


Mortfessions Of A Shopaholrick

by TheFoolsYouSee



Category: Rick and Morty, The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Crossover, Gen, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:34:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26201227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFoolsYouSee/pseuds/TheFoolsYouSee
Summary: Luz and Eda have an encounter with a couple of strange customers at the market.Rated M for language
Comments: 21
Kudos: 104





	Mortfessions Of A Shopaholrick

People-watching on the Boiling Isles still wasn’t getting old. The assortment of demons wandering through the market were interesting enough just in terms of their variety. Luz had been trying to figure out if there were different species of demon, but only the humanoid witches seemed to have any consistency, their large pointed ears all that distinguished them from humans. All the other creatures she saw were unique. Sometimes she’d see a family of lookalikes together, but otherwise there was no pattern to the number of limbs, or eyes, or mouths. Luz spotted what looked like a huge donut with feet sticking out all along its outer edge, each foot kicking it forward as it rolled along. She made a quick sketch in a notebook.

Eda was lying back in the chair next to Luz’s with her feet up on the stall, dozing off. No-one seemed interested in their array of human oddities today. Luz had gone through their stock and corrected what she could (a large ceiling fan had been labelled ‘Bad Umbrella’), but they’d already cleared out of all the most eye-catching items. It might be time for another trash collection from Owlbert.

As Luz’s eyes wandered around the crowd, they landed on a grotesque pair of figures headed their way. Their clothes looked strange until Luz’s brain readjusted and she realised they looked… normal. She didn’t remember any outfits like that going through their inventory. Maybe they were old customers of Eda’s from before she arrived. She scanned their faces. They almost looked…

“Hey look at this, th-they’ve got human stuff here.”

“Jesus Morty, we’re in a demon realm. You’ve gone all the way to Mumbai just to eat at a McDonalds.”

“But look, they’re selling circuit boards as nail files. It’s cute. It’s like seeing our culture through s-someone else’s eyes.”

“Uh-huh?” The taller figure looked down disdainfully at Luz. His wiry grey hair was almost a chemical blue. “Hey kid, she paying you anything?” He jabbed a thumb in Eda’s direction, who was still snoring.

“Uh… just room and board.” Luz gave her best customer service smile. “I’m her apprentice.”

The tall man rolled his eyes. “Cheap Mexican labour. Looks like they’ve got human culture pretty much down.” He shook Eda’s leg. “Hey, lady!”

Eda snorted awake. She took in the two newcomers blearily, before clocking them as customers and leaping to her feet.

“Hi there!” She smiled, flashing her one golden fang. “You look like a couple of enthusiasts. Can I interest you in a real human skull?” She lifted up a motorbike helmet and slid the visor up and down a couple of times. “The hole is where the brain comes out for washing!”

“See Rick, i-isn’t that adorable?”

“Yeah, it’s a fucking delight.” Rick waved away his short companion. “So where you getting all this shit from?”

“Trade secret.” Eda tapped the side of her nose with a wink. “But I get a new supply every week, so if you don’t see anything you like today-“

“Magic portal?” Rick interrupted. “Is it a magic portal? This place seems to be all about magic bullshit. Believe me I wouldn’t even be in this shit-stain of a dimension if your island didn’t happen to be on top of a giant skeleton made of the one element I need to make the perfect Zlobnorbian Brainfucker.”

“It’s a cocktail.” Morty added hurriedly. “We don’t- we don’t want to fuck brains. That’s not what we’re about.”

Eda’s eyes narrowed, meeting Rick’s scowl. “Oh yeah? What _are_ you about then, buster?”

“’Buster?!’” Rick laughed. “Oh Jesus, Mike Pence’s children called, they say even they think you’re a repressed piece of shit. What kind of G-rated demon realm is this? Do you know how many nipples I’ve counted on these so-called eldritch horrors? Zero fucking nipples!” He pulled out a pistol-shaped electronic device and thrust it in Eda’s face. “You want to know what I’m about? I’m about motherfucking SCIENCE portals. Accurate, sweaty, pubic science. Do you know about science? Or is your civilisation still in the kiddy pool of rationality?”

Eda folded her arms and looked away dismissively. “Yeah, I’ve heard about human science. Not impressed. Bunch of repetitive busywork to get to the stuff I can just…” She snapped her fingers with a grin and a fireball appeared in her hand. “…do.”

Rick sniffed. “Yeah, cos playing with fire has such a famously positive outcome. Magic is a nuclear reactor run by a bunch of Neanderthals. It has a big fucking death count, and can’t do one percent of the shit it’s supposed to do.”

Eda leant forward over the stall. “Oh please, I can do anything a human can and more!”

“Really?” Rick smirked. “Say ‘fuck’. Say the word ‘fuck’. Prove to me and everyone else listening that you know the word ‘fuck’, and that you know what it means. Go on, establish that as part of your character.”

Eda stared him down for a second. Then sat back down in her chair and put her feet back up on the stall. “Look, if you’re not gonna buy anything, you can clear off.”

Rick scoffed. “Hear that? ‘Clear’ off. What an edgy fucking servant of Satan she is.” He looked back down at Luz, who had been watching the exchange silently. “You’re learning magic from her? This apprenticeship better include a retirement plan, cos you’ll be here a long fucking time.”

Luz looked at Eda, who was tapping her foot agitatedly, not happy with how the interaction had gone but also not wanting to give the man what he wanted. Luz looked up at Rick’s face. He was somehow both smug and unsmiling.

“You seem like the saddest person I’ve ever met.” Luz said, with genuine sympathy.

Rick shrugged. “Better being miserable and right than being happy and delusional about being able to learn magic spells.”

“Really?” Luz scribbled a well-practised light glyph in her notebook, tore off the page and slammed it down onto the stall.

The paper crumpled itself up and lifted a couple of inches into the air, shining until it formed a perfect ball of light.

Luz watched Rick stare at the ball and say nothing. She waited until he had looked back at her before adding “And I’m fucking Dominican.”

Rick glared at her, as Morty gave various cries of “Oh shit, dawg!” and “Talk about getting riggidy-wr-wrecked!” After a moment of this, Rick grabbed Morty’s arm and dragged him away. The two disappeared into the crowd.

Luz felt a hand ruffle her hair. She looked over to see Eda giving her a proud wink, before turning over Rick’s portal device in her other hand. “Now, how much do you think we could get for this?”


End file.
